That’s What Friends Are For

forceiswithyouI walked through the resort quietly. Maybe not so quietly. It was Wednesday night, and with the accoutrements dangling from my backpack, I jingled around the pathways. I can’t remember if it was 2010 or 2012 that we stayed here for Celebration. I suspect 2010. I suspect it because I remember we were drinking.

I remember where our room was. Sort of. The resort is under major construction now, so I can’t be sure. But I walked by every place I thought it could be. Through the lobby, through the restaurant and to the left. We went to Cocoa Beach first on that trip, and stayed in a cheap hotel in a crappy room. When we arrived at this place on Thursday morning, I remember we just flopped onto the bed which seemed so luxurious. There was a mini fridge, and we packed in the alcohol for the trip. I was raring to get over to the convention center, and Adam was like “Just give me five more minutes in this air-conditioned room on this bed.”

The moon was out as I walked the paths in 2017. The celebrations merge together in my mind, but I remember this one because we annoyed the doormen by choosing our own taxi instead of waiting for them to call up the next one. The taxi driver gave us his number and he drove us anywhere we wanted that trip. That one night it was to the Funky Monkey, where they just happened to have one table left for the Star Wars drag show.

I’m looking at some info now, and I see that Ian McDiarmid’s first celebration was 2012 in Orlando. We would have gotten the Emperor’s autograph. I wonder now, a year after we first realized he was sick, was he already drinking that much again? Were we limiting it? Had I become his mother along with his wife, frightened, but giving “permission”? Am I conflating my memories? I might be.

Without Adam, I didn’t get up at 4:30 a.m. to stand in line for panels now. I suspect that Adam would have agreed with me about that.

On Friday at the con this time, I wandered the Art Show area. Adam and I loved this part of the celebration, and we would wait for a particular limited edition print to jump out at both of us … one we had to have. I remember the last time there weren’t any we both loved.

This year, I was almost through the gallery, disappointed that there were so few Rogue One prints, when I came upon this one. I said to the artist, “I always walk around waiting for the one to jump out at me, and this was it.” He said “Can I ask why?” I said “Do you want to hear a short and sad story?” “He put his pen down and gave me his full attention, as I explained how Rogue One figured in our fight for Adam’s survival, how “I am one with the Force, the Force is with me,” was so important for me.

He cried, he hugged me. He later asked for a selfie so he could remember my story. He said that I was the second person who had come to him sharing that his artwork had meant some sort of survival, or friendship, or gratitude On the poster, he signed “The Force is with you … both.” He asked to hear Adam’s name.

Here is the poster. I dedicate it to all of you as well.

friends are for

One With The Force

tfm-line
In line for The Force Awakens

On Facebook tonight, I posted “Adam is one with the Force” on a lark.

I just didn’t know how prescient that would be. I won’t be giving any spoilers here, but you will see Rogue One, and you will know what I mean. And you will know the Force is real.

Seeing Rogue One by myself so soon after Adam’s death might be one of the hardest things for me, more so than the holidays, or maybe even birthdays or anniversaries. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, this was our goal through his illness… he promised he would be around to see Rogue One with me.

I forgive him for not keeping that promise. I know he tried his hardest, just as I did.

But oh, how glorious would our experience have been. I had a lame crowd because without him I chose to not go 3D. With him, I would have. Every Easter Egg, every cameo, would have delighted both of us. Fans will pick up on many of them. I can’t wait to see more of them each time.

We would have held hands because I still did that in movies with him. Shared the big popcorn and bought the giant souvenir cup of Coke to share. He would have snuck in candy. We would have squeezed our hands every time some throwback came up. I would have said “Dude, that one guy is hot!” because that’s what I do (I’m talking Diego Luna here). He would have responded “That Jyn chick isn’t so bad either.” I would have had to get up and pee halfway through, but I would have come back and Adam would have said “You didn’t miss anything.” You know why, because I am the fucking fastest pee-er in the world!

He would have loved seeing it was Alan Tudyk voicing the droid. Firefly connection!

I would have said “I hope Tsuneo Sanda does a poster with all the Rogue One characters. Then it will be our new autograph poster!” That would have excited us—a new poster goal!

We would have come home and immediately talked about when we were going back to see it.

Also, there is ONE QUOTE in the movie that would have definitely become a go-to quote in our relationship. If you know what it is, post in the comments. Up there with “Mostly” from Aliens, “Poke it with a stick,” “Hold me like you did on Naboo” and “It’s naht a tumor.”

I used to say if I believed in anything, it was the Force. I said it off-handedly because what really does that mean?

I don’t know.

But I bet Adam does.

 

Nerd Shirts

15230742_10154724889459197_1777099154587128998_n
Adam’s all-time favorite T-shirt

Had to ask for help tonight. I needed someone to get me started on laundry and cleaning out the refrigerator, so I texted Kathy. Of course, she was here with dinner and Tom, her very handy husband!

But the most important task was moral support. My friend Laurie plans to make a quilt out of Adam’s favorite T-shirts, and I needed someone there as I picked them out. His favorite “Nerd Shirts.” I probably picked out too many, but here they are (NERDS!) in no particular order.

  1. Blue Sun
  2. Mal and Cobb as Calvin and Hobbes (They aim to misbehave)
  3. Black Marc Ecko Stormtrooper motorcycle design
  4. Stay-Puft Marshallow Man
  5. “Blink”
  6. Jesus as a barcode
  7. Starfest Star Trek shirt (from our last Starfest!)
  8. Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Klingons
  9. Romulan Ale: Legalize It!
  10. Spanked (I honestly don’t know what this was, a band?)
  11. His most worn Team USA shirt (because he was so proud of his work with the USOC)
  12. The aberrant “ou are the result of 3.8 billion years of evolutionary success. Act like it.” He had two of these because this one, ironically, came without the opening “Y.”
  13. The design of the “Trojan Rabbit” from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  14. Wocka Wocka Wookie

Oddly, these are hard to part with, even though I would never wear any due to our, um, chest size difference. Lauri is planning to get flannel backing that matches the color of his Clan Currie tartan used for the wedding kilt.

Going through his closet was difficult, and I’m glad I had a friend. Every shirt, pair of shorts, pair of pants, has a memory associated with it. Also, for fuck’s sake, Adam, you absolutely refused to throw clothes away. So many. I just had to shut the closet when I was done. I’m not ready to go through this stuff yet.

Is anybody?

Rogue One

queue-celebration-vii
Queuing for the JJ Abrams panel at Star Wars Celebration VII in Anaheim, April 2015 (through a fish-eye lens!)

I am aimlessly on my phone and computer all day and most of the night. I hope for some new story on CNN or Slate or any outlet even thought it’s just been five minutes since I checked the last time. I am trying to find more people to follow  on Twitter so my feed keeps moving. I don’t eat most of the day but then can’t stop eating at night.

A friend came over today. The refrigerator got fixed. The dog got walked. I brushed my teeth. Showering was too much to think about.

I went to get some food for dinner, and the cashier noticed my R2D2 wallet as everyone usually does. He started talking about Rogue One coming out next month. I played along as if I still had the excitement for the movie I once did.

When Adam first got really sick at the end of August, I would tell him he needed to keep fighting because Rogue One was coming. We were going to see that together … he promised me.

In April of 2015 we went to Star Wars Celebration VII in Anaheim. I think I’ve only missed on celebration. The first was in Denver in 1999, which I went to by myself. Adam and I traveled to Indianapolis, Orlando, L.A. and Anaheim for subsequent celebrations. We absolutely loved them. You spend so much time standing in line it’s crazy, but worth it.

In Anaheim, we randomly met and talked up Oliver Steeples in a bar. Oliver was an ordinary member of an R2 Builders Club and was plucked to work on Force Awakens.

Because we liked to sleep, we didn’t spend all night waiting in line for the JJ Abrams panel, but we did get there early enough to get in an extra room. So we didn’t see JJ live, but we were there for the first Force Awakens trailer. We both cried when Han said “Chewie, we’re home.” What a feeling.

Later we got in the panel for Rogue One. Filming had not begun, they had nothing to share, but they did anyway … something they just created for those of us there. We’ve been waiting for that movie forever because of this little fake trailer. Yep, we were in that audience. Now, he’ll never see it. This is breaking my heart.

I had already bought tickets to Celebration in Orlando in 2017. Have hotel reserved. We had hoped to be there and then spend a couple days in our favorite spot in the world where we were engaged: Cocoa Beach, Florida. I haven’t decided about those tickets yet. Maybe I will go by myself. Maybe I will sell those tickets for big bucks. Maybe there is a friend out there who doesn’t mind aimlessly wandering hallways and the vendor room, standing in long lines, losing terribly in the Bounty Hunt. Adam and I were just always on the same page about what we wanted to do at these events.

Fuck. I miss him.