I had a lot of thoughts about blog posts for tonight. This has been a long week as I try to rebuild my life and
Nothing in my life has changed except there is one less person to help me. I am far from being the only person managing life on her own. There are millions of singletons, whether they have chosen to be single, are divorced or widowed, or whatever. Some of them have to manage their lives with kids.
I get it. I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m just trying to adjust to a “new normal.” That term really is meaningful, if cliche. I have to learn how to live alone and handle everything while also being in significant grief. I try to get things done and then am sidetracked by an ugly crying fit (oh, and there have been a few of those this week). Then I go work basketball or hockey to make an extra long day, and grief is so exhausting that just the normal day-to-day stuff is extra exhausting. I’m always tired and I still can’t go to bed early.
Tonight, though, I am just experiencing anger.
- I am angry at Adam for leaving me.
- I’m angry that the whole world can’t figure out how to deal with addiction and help people.
- I’m angry that the world seems to have lost compassion in general.
- I’m angry that I have to find paperwork to get anything done.
- I’m angry that I need to sort through this paperwork and it would be helpful if I threw some away, but I can’t seem to throw them away. So the piles get bigger.
- I’m angry I allowed him to do things that I knew nothing about. For instance, I’ve never bought a fucking cell phone. I don’t know anything about our plans. I don’t know how to use the FoodSaver.
- I’m angry he didn’t write down all his 401K and stock information.
- I’m angry I have had to search and search for paperwork for his business so I can access our money because he put OUR money in HIS business account.
- I’m angry that it’s like no one has ever died because businesses are inept.
- I’m angry he can’t help me take Bixby to the vet because Bixby is so protective of me there. It was better when Adam did it.
- I’m angry he’s making me start over in life. He promised me he wouldn’t leave.
- I’m angry I’ll never ever be the same person. I’ll never be 100% again. I can hope for 90%. That’s a shitty way to look at the next 40 years.
- I’m angry that I keep saying “it’s not fair” like I’m a 5-year-old.
- I’m angry I have to keep so much inside now.
- I’m angry I have no passion for anything anymore.
- I’m angry I have a cold and have to make my own chicken broth. And, I can’t really whine to anyone that I’m sick.
I’m just angry. Angry and sad.
But pitchers and catchers report in less than a month. So that’s something. I guess.