It’s been just more than three weeks since you died, and I miss you very much. Just as expected, the world went on. It’s a sad fact. The world went on, and I hate every single fucking person who is happy right now. How dare they go on with life?
The irrationality and truth in grief is right there.
I must pause to say that I just found the Shawshank Redemption on TV. “Oh damn, Shawshank is on.” “Did you find Shawshank?” “Of course Shawshank is on.” Because everything right now in my life is done for you, I’m leaving it on.
Here’s what you have missed.
- I was wrong. Donald Trump became president. This would have horrified you, but I won’t say “I’m glad you aren’t here to see it.” I wish you were here to see it, so we you could hold me like you did on Naboo.
- I have spent the last five days with your family. I wish you had been here for:
- The fire pit at the Cagles. We would have stayed by that fire for hours
- Rob suggesting that maybe cream cheese doesn’t go with pad Thai. Do you think I should try this? Because you were insistent that cream cheese makes everything better.
- I finished third in poker the first night; did poorly the second night as I lost it all to Benny. BENNY!
- Football and fire on the deck with the big TV
- You would have told me to bring a swimsuit for the pool. Even if I didn’t want to swim, I know you would have been in the pool.
- Walking through the neighborhood to look at the lights
- Prime rib
- Green bean casserole
- I know this would have been hard for you … a Thanksgiving without drinking. But we would have done it. I did it, and I would have been there to support you.
- I flew first class just because…
- I can’t sleep at all. I read that this is normal in grief. Sleep, eating and other patterns are completely thrown off. I roll around crying wishing you were here.
- I didn’t realize how much I just liked to be near you. Sitting around in the kitchen, I would always find away to hold your hand, play with your hair, caress your back, give you kisses. That was definitely me.
- Bixby is having a good time with Alea. We found a great person to take care of him while we are gone.
- Tickets for Rogue One go on sale Monday. I don’t know if I will have the heart to wait in line without you.
- I’m volunteering with the American Liver Foundation. I don’t know what I’ll do yet, but we’ve connected.
- I can’t find enthusiasm for just about anything. I did enjoy poker though.
- If I could, I would spend all day writing about you.
Here is my random memory about you: Two years ago we were here for Thanksgiving. We went to the Cagles on Friday or Saturday, I can’t remember. But you decided I needed a new computer, and it was Black Friday or Cyber Monday coming up. So you delighted in searching for the best deal for me. We were in the living room with football on, and you were just overjoyed to say “I got your computer for you!” Gadgets were your thing. Now I have to figure out how every fucking one of them works: where you kept all our photos (is there a hard drive somewhere? on the Cloud?), the Tile, the Nest, Find my iPhone. Shit all of them. You loved the big Mac announcements, giggled with excitement when the new gadgets were announced, or the new iPhone features. The giggles! You would totally giggle!
I miss you.